Wanna Fight? Bring It On!

Grief is such a terrible and weird thing for anyone to go through... They say there are 5 main phases, but honestly it feels more like you're on a sliding scale and can go backwards or forwards at any time... I feel like I'm taking two steps forwards and then four back, only to move another five forwards and three back... If I could just work through the stages without any of this back and forth, that might be good for me right now... 
At the moment I'd say I'm definitely feeling angry about things... It's time to vent again... Please bear with me... 

When you lose anyone it doesn't matter who or how, even discovering someone you barely knew has passed can be a strange feeling of grief but, and maybe this will sound weird, I am angry about a few things and I guess the guilt of being mad at them isn't helping me heal... 
We've known that mum was sick since November, that's true... My parents decided that it was better for us to NOT know how bad things were so that we'd continue with our crazy busy lives as normal. I don't hate them for their choice, but mentally I had less than a month to prepare and yes I KNOW there'd never be enough time to get used to the idea that someone you're very close to is terminally ill, but it might have helped a little now if I'd known earlier?! Maybe?! 
Also, and this may sound even weirder... My grandmother - Mum's Mum - has been sick with demensia, unable to get out of bed, and wishing that she would be able to just sleep and not wake up for almost 2 years now... She's 94... WHY DID MUM HAVE TO GO FIRST?! I love my Grandma, I've been mentally preparing to have to say goodbye for a long time, and she out-lived my mum... Why couldn't mum have done what her mum did and live to be as old as the dinosaurs?! 
Perhaps it's weird to think like that, and I promise it's not the most forefront thoughts in my mind, but it's there... It's hurting and I NEEDED to release... Some day I will get back to blogging properly when I feel up to it, following the schedule I set and managing targets but right now... Anyone wanna fight me?

What is she wearing;
Hair: Wasabi - Sunkissed TSS Ed. Hair in Absolute Pack
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Choker: Kibitz - Felicia's Thick Choker in Blank
Jacket: Gabriel - One-shoulder Riders Jacket in Black
Glove: PSYCHO:Byts - Avril Arm Warmers
Dress: Psycho Barbie - Fire Starter
Pose & Prop: [piXit] - Punk Much, Pose 5
Garbage: UrBaN SpIrIt - Garbage Day Items
Backdrop: PALETO.Backdrop - WD-5 

Bonnie Chaos at Midnight

I'm at that stage now, where I don't know what to do but I don't really want to do anything... Yes it is apparently just me going through the grieving process but right now I feel somewhat useless and nothing I seem to try is working... I can't get into reading, knitting, decorating in RL or SL, and blogging therapy seems to be a non-starter too... There are so many fun things I could be doing... What am I doing? Doom-scrolling and staring into space... Everything I try seems to be going wrong!!

I NEED to find a way to turn my brain off, to stop myself from wallowing and yes, allow myself to grieve but allow myself to find strength and start finding my "normal" again... I'm dreading it!
Everything seems to be going wrong or turning to chaos and I'm NOT going to let myself drown in that... Think of the chaos that some people go through, real or imagined and things don't look so bad, I guess... 
I NEED a RL distraction for a bit... Something Dark, Mysterious and set in a Midnight Order perhaps... Something with gangsters and molls, something twisted and chaotic... 

What is she wearing;
Hat: Magika - Abigail Hair Hat
Hair: About Love - Sultry Hairstyle
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Jacket: [VOZ] - Umbrae Set in Coat (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Corset Top: SOJOUR - Luize Corset (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Lace Skirt: Stories&Co - Sherry Skirt in Cream&Black Lace
Pose & Prop: [PiXit] - Juliette, Pose F5
Car Decor: Dirty Rat - The Botched Job
Falling Money: [Bad Unicorn] - The Heat Gacha in Falling Cash
Gun Case: /MURDER\ - Commie Tommy
Backdrop: PALETO.Backdrop - Decatur Street 

The Queen Shall Rise

At the moment I KNOW that everything seems to sound like I am not coping, I am hanging on the edge of a break down and I am done with life in general... I am sorry if it seems that way and that I'm worrying anyone. Things are just really difficult at the moment, but I HOPE that soon I am back on track and able to start enjoying life again... It's just everything still seems so bleak and I HATE not being able to pick up the phone and speak to mum... 
The Queen of the family has fallen... I'm just not sure how long it will take for her eldest to be able to step up and assume her role... 

You never think that it's going to happen... I mean I'm not stupid I KNEW it would happen one day, but her mother is 94, alive and kicking... I thought I had at least another 20 years of nonsense with her yet... Still, sometimes the Princess has to step up, stand in the shoes of the Queens before her and guide her life in it's own direction... I'm just hoping she's going to be like the Jedi in Star Wars... Always there, always feeling her "Force"... 
So the battle may be over but the uphill climb has now begun... The mourning period is diminishing, and wearing black is less of a done thing. The crown must be adjusted and worn with pride... I don't know if I'm ready, but the Midnight Order of things demands a Queen shall rise... 

What is she wearing;
Hair: About Love - Enigmatic Hairstyle (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Crown: UNA - Ruise Crown in Gold (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Circlet: random.Matter- Guila Set in Warm Tones
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Make-Up: Izzie's - Smeared Mascara & ARISE - Running Mascara (No Longer Available!)
Necklace: random.Matter - Gwyneira Collar in Warm Tones
Sleeves: Voluptas Virtualis - Exuvie.Arms (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Weapon: Opifex - Thorn (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Dress: [NOBEL CREATIONS] - Jasmine in SUNSET GOLD (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Pose: [piXit] - Beatrice, Pose F5R
Armour: DRD - Mystic Bastion Item in Knight Decor
Backdrop: Synnergy.Tavis - Lavender & Lace - LIGHT {360} Backdrop 

Single Wishes Could Be Enough!

How do I even contemplate writing something like this? I’ve been going around and around in my brain, trying to work out how to share this little bit of RL with you all recently and did I even want to talk about something so personal, in such a public way, in a random SL based blog post. This is my rambling space and a place I’ve always called my personal therapy but this post is one of the hardest I’ve ever had to share, I feel it’s something that I need to talk about, I just don’t know where to begin or how… 
You may have seen here in recent months that I had been talking more about my RL mum, and using this as a place to vent my emotions… Well, I guess that’s where we will start this story…

In November last year, mum was admitted to hospital in pain and very, very yellow - I’m talking, she could have been an extra in the Simpsons kinda yellow - and it was discovered there were issues with her pancreas… 
After Christmas, my sister and I were told it was Pancreatic Cancer.
I can already see the face that you just pulled as you read this, it’s the face that everyone pulled when we shared the news and, although I knew it was bad, I tried to brush it off and remain positive… 
In June however, when I went home to see family, we were told she did not have long left… Let me tell you, leaving to come back to the Netherlands was almost unbearable - it has always been hard but nothing like this - it was mum’s wish though. She wanted me to get home and finish the renovation project on our house. She said she wanted to be able to come see it, and she wanted to know I was happy in my own home again. So after returning home on July 1st, the hubby and I were working our asses off to get it done…
A week later, we heard from my dad that mum had been taken into palliative care in the local hospice, where they would give her the best care since it was becoming too much for him at home. She was ok… She said she had some “very nice young male nurses” - that her friends told me she enjoyed some silly giggles with - to make sure she was eating and allowed her to listen to her favorite Take That songs. 
On July 18th, mum passed away…
I was in Holland, but my sister had just got back to my parent’s house from her home in Wales… Someone was there with dad, that’s was a good thing, but I was not there at the time and I still feel such overwhelming guilt about that… All I wanted was a hug from my dad and sister! 
I did not get to see mum, and it may sound strange but for me that was OK. Goodbye felt like such a difficult word to say. I’d seen her recently and she’d been able to smile and hug me and tell me that she loved me, that’s what I wanted to remember. She wanted me to remember her as the vibrant sunshine that she was… The woman who was a carboot sale queen, a belly dancer, a jeweller, a mum and the best friend I could have ever asked for…
So, that brings me to the picture I’ve taken today… I had been doing a little shopping to try and cheer myself up. I discovered the “single wish sticks” - from Violetility, available until August 18th at The Warehouse - and plans changed. I knew what I wanted to wish for… I wasn’t crazy enough to wish that she’d come back… I know the lore on how that works, and I also know that she’s not in any pain now which is more than I could ever want for her, but I have a wish to hear her voice just one last time… I wish I could see her laugh at me again… I wish I could give her another tight hug and let her know that I love her…
I dunno if these gimmicky gadgets will work, but anything is worth a try… Wish me luck and thank you for reading my ramblings!!!

What is in the photo;
Wish Sticks: Violetility - Single Wish Stick (Available until August 18th at The Warehouse)
Frames: random.Matter - Triptych in Oak (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Mug & Incense: Candle & Cauldron - Mug Incense Burner (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Rabbit: Moonforge - Jackalope
Hand Book: Tentacio - Sebaciel Collection in Spell Book 
Leaf Book: mintae - Garden Notes in Botanic Journal
Book Stand: BALACLAVA!! - Witches' Book
Gold Cauldron: Elm - Margot Cauldron #1
Black Cauldron: random.Matter - Cracked Cauldron in Black 
Candles: BALACLAVA!! - Candelabra
Doily: Deco Soup - Vintage Doily
Table: Apple Fall - Hudson Desk in Weathered Oak
Backdrop: VARONIS - Sanctum Backdrop in Dark/Neutral 

Dandelion Wishes

I've been trying anything and everything recently to make myself feel better... As I've alluded to in the recent weeks and especially lately there has been a lot going on in my RL and even though I'm still not ready to talk about, blogging and all the ins and outs of it has always been my favourite kind of release... So far, it's not helped... 
Today I wanted to do something TOTALLY fantasy, totally in the fairy realm where my mind is resting and the fairies have control... Today I went outside, and laid in the long grass, playing with Dandelion clocks and talking to my mum like I always used to do... There were friends in the long grass to help me make dandelion wishes... 

When you're playing the the Dandelions, remember there are some that see it as a weed, but the fae folk see them as hundreds of tiny little wishes that can be whisked away on the breeze to spread happiness to anyone that sees them... 
This adorable little Dandelion Fae was lingering in the grass this morning, she invited me to stop for tea and her favourite food, which although looked like a dandelion was actually an extremely delicious Blooming Onion - created by Lucas Lameth, available now at Anthem... 
I know there are no wishes that I could make to change things right now, but I am hoping to feel better, and there's always hope right?!

What is she wearing;
Hair: [monso] - Ryan Hair in Black & Red (Colour tinted by me!)
Head: BeSpoke - Nacho Head (Skin layer has been re-tinted to match body layers!)
Eyes: IKON - Sovereign Eyes in Field
Dandelion Skin & Accessories (Hat, Shoulders, Cuffs & Staff): [Faunus] - Dandelion
Wings: STATIC - Firaga Wings
Under Skin Layers: [Faunus] - Helios & LUMAE - Female Fantasy Skins in MORTIS (No Longer Available!)
Dress: [Faunus] - Eladrin Dress
Pose & Flower Prop: Mixtape Poses - Dandelion (Bento) V1.0
Food: (Lucas Lameth) - Blooming Onion, Deep-Fried (Available until August 27th at Anthem)
Tea Set: Elm - Clove Crockery Items
Large Dandelions: dust bunny - Paper Blooms in Dandelion
Stump: HPMD - Autumn Stump
Dandelion Grass & Floating Seeds: LOVE - DANDELION DREAMS
Backdrop: Synnergy - Open Fields [Day] Backdrop

Hot in a Heatwave

I wanted to get back to blogging with a bang... I wanted to throw myself into blogging and use it as I always have - it's always been a form of therapy for me and now that things happened two weeks ago I'm finding that I really need an outlet where I don't have to face people just yet... There's only one problem... WHY IS IT SO GODDAMN HOT?! 

YES YES I know that it's Summer and we're supposed to be this hot... Yes yes I KNOW that in Holland it's not as hot as other places in Europe like Spain where the temperatures are in the mid-40s every day at the moment... It's STILL way too hot for this part of the world where the houses are built to keep the warm in and the cold out. 
I'm trying to find somewhere I can be alone and cool so I can cry and dwell in the past in peace... Both of these things are hard to do, everywhere right now is SO FUCKING HOT!

What is she wearing;
Hair: [monso] - Noelia Hair in Black & Red
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Top: miss chelsea - Leni Set in Top
Shorts: miss chelsea - Leni Set in Shorts
Fan: Boutique #187 - Black Quotes Fan
Pose: -Extra- - Wildflower, Pose 1 (Available  August 1 - 23rd at Smokefest 2026)
Tissues: Puddles - Tissues for your issues
Backdrop: K&S - // Forest Nest. Backdrop

Amsterdam's Pride

Hello out there, remember me? I'm that girl that used to ramble on about nonsense in every blogpost I wrote, usually accompanying that with a silly picture that I loved but most people probably thought was a bit bonkers... I've had a bit of an unexpected absense recently... I've alluded to things in the past but mid house move, we had an emergency in RL and I had to make another mad dash back to the UK... I'm not really ready to talk about it yet, but I will in time, even writing this is making me emotional... 
Still, I NEED to start finding some semblance of normality... I'm back in Holland now, and since it's a special day in Amsterdam, I'm going to use it as a gentle way to get back to blogging... 

Today is Amsterdam Pride... Not being proud of Amsterdam - although that is an every day thing for the Amsterdammers that I know and love - although perhaps it's a good day to be proud of the city and it's people. A day when the Netherlands shines as a Gay capital of the world, and Amsterdam being the first city to legalize same sex marriages throws open it's canals for one of the most colourful parades in the world... I LOVE Amsterdam Pride every year, this year we're hosting World Pride too which makes it seem extra special. I just wish I was feeling strong enough to go and join the fun!!! Everyone should be celebrating love today... Love is one of the most important things a person can have, it's one of those very important things that keeps me going... I'm going to enjoy a little love today, celebrate Pride a little more and enjoy some special churros and maybe a little puff-puff-pass action?! 
HAPPY AMSTERDAM WORLD PRIDE DAY!!!!

What is she wearing;
Flags: Junk Food - Pride White Headband
Hair Accessory: miss chelsea - Love Pride Headband
Hair: Wasabi - Joyride Hair in Offbeat
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Make-Up: Keymoko - Pride Set (Past Gift!) (No Longer Available!), Palette - Pride Hearts (No Longer Available!) & Izzie's - Rainbow Glitter Freckles
Outfit: [RED GIRL] - Reese Shorts Overall Pride (Past Event Gift!)
Badges: Grandma's House - Pride Pins (Past Event Gift!)
Food: andika - "Pride Heart Churros" (Past Event Gift!)
Pose: [PiXit] - Beatrice, Pose F5
Leaf Friends: Junk Food - Weed Plushies
Clouds: kotte - Cloudy
Backdrop: FOXCITY. Photo Booth - Tunnel of Love