Happy Making Ice Cream

Last night, we had a funny moment at home... The hubby came running down the stairs, shouting at me that he needed to go to the store before it closed... He was having a MASSIVE craving for Ice Cream, and as our new fridge freezer arrived yesterday he knew he could put some ice cream in it... 
I guess, for the first time in a while, that it inspired me to do something a little fun and a lot silly... Maybe I'm on the healing path, and finally able to let go a little?! I was inspired, I ate Ice Cream... The Fairies came back out to play... 

I am not a huge fan of Ice Cream, that's always been Hell's thing but granted I do like it occasionally and I couldn't really resist considering how warm it has been recently. 
While I was making a mess in the kitchen with all of the different options in the American Classic range - from Lucas Lameth - HellBone decided to show me how much he truly loves Ice Cream by presenting me with an Ice Cream Topiary - this one from the Patriotic Set, but there are other combinations available too at Simply Shelby - which ALSO lead to two things happening... 
One, the pug managed to get up on the counter and get his way into an Ice Cream tub - this pug is from Jian and I am both happy and sad to hear that Jian will be closing. It's great that new directions will be taken but Jian was ALWAYS one of my favourite places for the cute animals in SL! - and Two, the Ice Cream attracted a fairy who was desperate for something sweet and cold... I totally agree with her excitement... 

What is she wearing;
Hair Accessory: kotte - Face Pack in Sprinkles Icing Mess
Hair: Moon. Hair - Cupcake
Glasses: Suicidal Unborn!- Pastel Sunglasses
Wings: Doe - Dragon Pixie Wings 01 in Rainbow Neon
Boa: Moon Amore - Melted Boa in KITSCH BOA (Available until August 30th at Collabor88)
Body Paint: Izzie's - Rainbow Powder Explosion & Ladybird - Rainbow Body Glitter
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Outfit: CUREMORE - Melty Love OUTFIT
Pose: [piXit] - Manaram, Pose 2
Topiary: Simply Shelby - Patriotic Ice Cream Topiary Set in Ice Cream Bar Flower Topiary White
Ice Cream Decor: (Lucas Lameth) - Ice-Cream, American Classic
Dog: JIAN - Sneaky Snacker in Ice Cream Pug
Melted Ice Creams: random.Matter - Ice Cream Bar in Melted Cones
Melted Ice Lolly: random.Matter - Ice Cream Bar in Melted CreamPop Strawberry
Plant Pot: vespertine - Large Potted Chrysanthemums (Flowers Derendered)
Table Top: KraftWork - Carolean Round Table 

A Dark Day at the Beach

Everyone and their aunty seemed to be flocking to the beach yesterday as it was supposedly the best place to see the Eclipse that happened last night... I should have gone, I should have tried to participate but I just felt like crap and while I was in my PJs I missed the event as the sun was hidden behind a building on our street... It's fine, for me I feel like the sun has already gone, and the Summer can quite frankly sod off now... I'm done with the heat... I cannot wait for the Brrrrr months! 
Still I realised that I haven't been to the beach this Summer, I haven't felt the sand between my toes and the cold waves rushing to meet me... So maybe I need to rectify that situation a little bit?! 

Apparently it's going to be another scorchingly hot day today and I'm REALLY not a fan of that... Like I said, roll on the Brrr months! Dark little Living Dead me, really isn't a fan of being too hot... I'd much rather be too cold and wrap up under a ton of blankets! The beach and I are just not really friends because of that LOL... 
It really is too fecking hot today, the beach will be the coolest place, least one can hope anyway!!! 

What is she wearing;
Hat: Mug - Beach Day Gacha Item in #6 Beach Hat Black
Hair: TRUTH & Wasabi - Beach Day in Redhead
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Sunglasses: Boutique #187 - Metal Frame Sunglasses
Necklace & Bracelets: Static - Morte Ornare
Black Top: Mug - Birdie Top in Black
White Top: Mug - Delilah Tank in White
Shorts: Mug - Delilah Shorts in Black
Bucket: Doe - My Gothic Beach Bucket in Dinosaurs
Pose: [piXit] - Pupa, Pose 3
Chair: CHEZ MOI - Maluma Beach Chair
Parasol: [Merak] - Parasol Stripe
Backdrop: K&S - // Lighthouse Backdrop 

Said It All

Yesterday was the day that my Mum was cremated... Yesterday was the day that everything felt so final... It's been a long month to get here, but yesterday was the day that she was finally able to be at rest... Soon she'll be back with us where she belongs and I KNOW I cannot wait to have her home again...

So while I'll be mourning in Private for now, I wanted to take a moment to send everyone a hug. Tell you all that, if you're still lucky enough to have your mum around and you love her even just a little, remember to give her a hug and tell her that...
To my mum, and I KNOW you won't read this, but I wanna say it anyway... You knew that SL was a big part of me, you didn't ever really understand it but when it took my life in the direction it did I'm sure you thought I was crazy... You accepted it was a part of me, and welcomed the parts of my life that it brought you, like your crazy Dutch son-in-law... That's why I've had to take a few moments just to let Rudh leave you a thank you, shed a tear for you and become my therapy as I heal through these difficult times... 
I love you mum, you were always my favourite person - just don't tell Dad I said so - and I will see you again every time I look at the clouds or smell the flowers or find that perfect shell on the beach... One last thing to share with you today, since it was one of your favourites... Take That have "Said It All" for and with you... 

What is she wearing;
Flowers: *Lode* - Cydonia Hair Accessory [Full pack]
Hair: TRUTH - Odyssey in Redhead
Skin: Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Eyes: Izzie's - Lua Eyes in Teary Eyes Green
Eye Make-Up: WarPaint - Regal Eyeshadow & Pearls, Worn With Izzie's - Smeared Mascara & Little Tears
Necklace & Earrings: (Yummy) - Moonveil Collection (Available until August 30th at Collabor88)
Top: miss chelsea - Sora Set in Tank
Pose: piXit - Melanie, Pose 1
Backdrop: Synnergy.Tavis - Petalgrave Garden {360} Backdrop

Wanna Fight? Bring It On!

Grief is such a terrible and weird thing for anyone to go through... They say there are 5 main phases, but honestly it feels more like you're on a sliding scale and can go backwards or forwards at any time... I feel like I'm taking two steps forwards and then four back, only to move another five forwards and three back... If I could just work through the stages without any of this back and forth, that might be good for me right now... 
At the moment I'd say I'm definitely feeling angry about things... It's time to vent again... Please bear with me... 

When you lose anyone it doesn't matter who or how, even discovering someone you barely knew has passed can be a strange feeling of grief but, and maybe this will sound weird, I am angry about a few things and I guess the guilt of being mad at them isn't helping me heal... 
We've known that mum was sick since November, that's true... My parents decided that it was better for us to NOT know how bad things were so that we'd continue with our crazy busy lives as normal. I don't hate them for their choice, but mentally I had less than a month to prepare and yes I KNOW there'd never be enough time to get used to the idea that someone you're very close to is terminally ill, but it might have helped a little now if I'd known earlier?! Maybe?! 
Also, and this may sound even weirder... My grandmother - Mum's Mum - has been sick with demensia, unable to get out of bed, and wishing that she would be able to just sleep and not wake up for almost 2 years now... She's 94... WHY DID MUM HAVE TO GO FIRST?! I love my Grandma, I've been mentally preparing to have to say goodbye for a long time, and she out-lived my mum... Why couldn't mum have done what her mum did and live to be as old as the dinosaurs?! 
Perhaps it's weird to think like that, and I promise it's not the most forefront thoughts in my mind, but it's there... It's hurting and I NEEDED to release... Some day I will get back to blogging properly when I feel up to it, following the schedule I set and managing targets but right now... Anyone wanna fight me?

What is she wearing;
Hair: Wasabi - Sunkissed TSS Ed. Hair in Absolute Pack
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Choker: Kibitz - Felicia's Thick Choker in Blank
Jacket: Gabriel - One-shoulder Riders Jacket in Black
Glove: PSYCHO:Byts - Avril Arm Warmers
Dress: Psycho Barbie - Fire Starter
Pose & Prop: [piXit] - Punk Much, Pose 5
Garbage: UrBaN SpIrIt - Garbage Day Items
Backdrop: PALETO.Backdrop - WD-5 

Bonnie Chaos at Midnight

I'm at that stage now, where I don't know what to do but I don't really want to do anything... Yes it is apparently just me going through the grieving process but right now I feel somewhat useless and nothing I seem to try is working... I can't get into reading, knitting, decorating in RL or SL, and blogging therapy seems to be a non-starter too... There are so many fun things I could be doing... What am I doing? Doom-scrolling and staring into space... Everything I try seems to be going wrong!!

I NEED to find a way to turn my brain off, to stop myself from wallowing and yes, allow myself to grieve but allow myself to find strength and start finding my "normal" again... I'm dreading it!
Everything seems to be going wrong or turning to chaos and I'm NOT going to let myself drown in that... Think of the chaos that some people go through, real or imagined and things don't look so bad, I guess... 
I NEED a RL distraction for a bit... Something Dark, Mysterious and set in a Midnight Order perhaps... Something with gangsters and molls, something twisted and chaotic... 

What is she wearing;
Hat: Magika - Abigail Hair Hat
Hair: About Love - Sultry Hairstyle
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Jacket: [VOZ] - Umbrae Set in Coat (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Corset Top: SOJOUR - Luize Corset (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Lace Skirt: Stories&Co - Sherry Skirt in Cream&Black Lace
Pose & Prop: [PiXit] - Juliette, Pose F5
Car Decor: Dirty Rat - The Botched Job
Falling Money: [Bad Unicorn] - The Heat Gacha in Falling Cash
Gun Case: /MURDER\ - Commie Tommy
Backdrop: PALETO.Backdrop - Decatur Street 

The Queen Shall Rise

At the moment I KNOW that everything seems to sound like I am not coping, I am hanging on the edge of a break down and I am done with life in general... I am sorry if it seems that way and that I'm worrying anyone. Things are just really difficult at the moment, but I HOPE that soon I am back on track and able to start enjoying life again... It's just everything still seems so bleak and I HATE not being able to pick up the phone and speak to mum... 
The Queen of the family has fallen... I'm just not sure how long it will take for her eldest to be able to step up and assume her role... 

You never think that it's going to happen... I mean I'm not stupid I KNEW it would happen one day, but her mother is 94, alive and kicking... I thought I had at least another 20 years of nonsense with her yet... Still, sometimes the Princess has to step up, stand in the shoes of the Queens before her and guide her life in it's own direction... I'm just hoping she's going to be like the Jedi in Star Wars... Always there, always feeling her "Force"... 
So the battle may be over but the uphill climb has now begun... The mourning period is diminishing, and wearing black is less of a done thing. The crown must be adjusted and worn with pride... I don't know if I'm ready, but the Midnight Order of things demands a Queen shall rise... 

What is she wearing;
Hair: About Love - Enigmatic Hairstyle (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Crown: UNA - Ruise Crown in Gold (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Circlet: random.Matter- Guila Set in Warm Tones
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Make-Up: Izzie's - Smeared Mascara & ARISE - Running Mascara (No Longer Available!)
Necklace: random.Matter - Gwyneira Collar in Warm Tones
Sleeves: Voluptas Virtualis - Exuvie.Arms (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Weapon: Opifex - Thorn (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Dress: [NOBEL CREATIONS] - Jasmine in SUNSET GOLD (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Pose: [piXit] - Beatrice, Pose F5R
Armour: DRD - Mystic Bastion Item in Knight Decor
Backdrop: Synnergy.Tavis - Lavender & Lace - LIGHT {360} Backdrop 

Single Wishes Could Be Enough!

How do I even contemplate writing something like this? I’ve been going around and around in my brain, trying to work out how to share this little bit of RL with you all recently and did I even want to talk about something so personal, in such a public way, in a random SL based blog post. This is my rambling space and a place I’ve always called my personal therapy but this post is one of the hardest I’ve ever had to share, I feel it’s something that I need to talk about, I just don’t know where to begin or how… 
You may have seen here in recent months that I had been talking more about my RL mum, and using this as a place to vent my emotions… Well, I guess that’s where we will start this story…

In November last year, mum was admitted to hospital in pain and very, very yellow - I’m talking, she could have been an extra in the Simpsons kinda yellow - and it was discovered there were issues with her pancreas… 
After Christmas, my sister and I were told it was Pancreatic Cancer.
I can already see the face that you just pulled as you read this, it’s the face that everyone pulled when we shared the news and, although I knew it was bad, I tried to brush it off and remain positive… 
In June however, when I went home to see family, we were told she did not have long left… Let me tell you, leaving to come back to the Netherlands was almost unbearable - it has always been hard but nothing like this - it was mum’s wish though. She wanted me to get home and finish the renovation project on our house. She said she wanted to be able to come see it, and she wanted to know I was happy in my own home again. So after returning home on July 1st, the hubby and I were working our asses off to get it done…
A week later, we heard from my dad that mum had been taken into palliative care in the local hospice, where they would give her the best care since it was becoming too much for him at home. She was ok… She said she had some “very nice young male nurses” - that her friends told me she enjoyed some silly giggles with - to make sure she was eating and allowed her to listen to her favorite Take That songs. 
On July 18th, mum passed away…
I was in Holland, but my sister had just got back to my parent’s house from her home in Wales… Someone was there with dad, that’s was a good thing, but I was not there at the time and I still feel such overwhelming guilt about that… All I wanted was a hug from my dad and sister! 
I did not get to see mum, and it may sound strange but for me that was OK. Goodbye felt like such a difficult word to say. I’d seen her recently and she’d been able to smile and hug me and tell me that she loved me, that’s what I wanted to remember. She wanted me to remember her as the vibrant sunshine that she was… The woman who was a carboot sale queen, a belly dancer, a jeweller, a mum and the best friend I could have ever asked for…
So, that brings me to the picture I’ve taken today… I had been doing a little shopping to try and cheer myself up. I discovered the “single wish sticks” - from Violetility, available until August 18th at The Warehouse - and plans changed. I knew what I wanted to wish for… I wasn’t crazy enough to wish that she’d come back… I know the lore on how that works, and I also know that she’s not in any pain now which is more than I could ever want for her, but I have a wish to hear her voice just one last time… I wish I could see her laugh at me again… I wish I could give her another tight hug and let her know that I love her…
I dunno if these gimmicky gadgets will work, but anything is worth a try… Wish me luck and thank you for reading my ramblings!!!

What is in the photo;
Wish Sticks: Violetility - Single Wish Stick (Available until August 18th at The Warehouse)
Frames: random.Matter - Triptych in Oak (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Mug & Incense: Candle & Cauldron - Mug Incense Burner (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Rabbit: Moonforge - Jackalope
Hand Book: Tentacio - Sebaciel Collection in Spell Book 
Leaf Book: mintae - Garden Notes in Botanic Journal
Book Stand: BALACLAVA!! - Witches' Book
Gold Cauldron: Elm - Margot Cauldron #1
Black Cauldron: random.Matter - Cracked Cauldron in Black 
Candles: BALACLAVA!! - Candelabra
Doily: Deco Soup - Vintage Doily
Table: Apple Fall - Hudson Desk in Weathered Oak
Backdrop: VARONIS - Sanctum Backdrop in Dark/Neutral