Darkness and Magic at the Midnight Order Show

Escaping from reality at the moment seems like a Really good idea, but I'm sure you've picked up on my desire to do that already. I did that yesterday when I had some Ice Cream, and today for some reason I'm feeling a little macabre in a good way... I mean if you've read what I have to say at all by now you'd know that the darker I get, the happier I tend to be, so this is a good sign right?! 
Today I decided to go back to one of my favourite Happy Places... The Carneval... For some reason, killer clowns (SL versions of me ONLY lol) and dark, macabre carni-types make me happy... Let's go play with them shall we?! 

Up on the stage, that has been known to be used for everything ranging from comedy nights to burlesque - a backdrop from Paparazzi by the way - one of the Carnival Freaks has a magician's show to perform... This one may go wrong at any point, hence the leftover body parts, but she's trying, what more can you expect?! 
Least if the magic trick goes wrong, her adorable little Jester Rat - from Tardfish, available until Augusut 31st at The Men's Department - can provide a brilliant distraction for the crowd, whilst the cleaning crew come in to help!!! 

What is she wearing;
Hat: Moon Amore - Circus Gacha Item in Insane HAT Coal
Hair: Wasabi - Postcard Hair in Offbeat
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Collar, Halo & Veil: CUREMORE - Freak Circus Items (No Longer Available!)
Shoulder Pet: Tardfish - Jester Rat (Available until August 31st at The Men's Department)
Necklace: Oblivis Solem - Secret Bastion Key in Gold Pack (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Dress: AsteroidBox - Lenore Dress (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Socks: AsteroidBox - Lenore Shoes & Garters (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Saw: LEMME - The Magician Saw in Blood
Pose: -Extra- - Wildflower, Pose 2 (Available until August 23rd at Smokefest)
Table: ANTINATURAL[+] - Carnival Freaks Gacha Item in Magician's Secret (No Longer Available!)
Body Parts: LOVE - Unfortunate Guests PACK 2 in Bits and Pieces
Sign: ANTINATURAL[+] - Carnival Freaks Gacha Item in Joyful Sign (No Longer Available!)
Backdrop: Paparazzi - BACKDROP - Burlesque 

Happy Making Ice Cream

Last night, we had a funny moment at home... The hubby came running down the stairs, shouting at me that he needed to go to the store before it closed... He was having a MASSIVE craving for Ice Cream, and as our new fridge freezer arrived yesterday he knew he could put some ice cream in it... 
I guess, for the first time in a while, that it inspired me to do something a little fun and a lot silly... Maybe I'm on the healing path, and finally able to let go a little?! I was inspired, I ate Ice Cream... The Fairies came back out to play... 

I am not a huge fan of Ice Cream, that's always been Hell's thing but granted I do like it occasionally and I couldn't really resist considering how warm it has been recently. 
While I was making a mess in the kitchen with all of the different options in the American Classic range - from Lucas Lameth - HellBone decided to show me how much he truly loves Ice Cream by presenting me with an Ice Cream Topiary - this one from the Patriotic Set, but there are other combinations available too at Simply Shelby - which ALSO lead to two things happening... 
One, the pug managed to get up on the counter and get his way into an Ice Cream tub - this pug is from Jian and I am both happy and sad to hear that Jian will be closing. It's great that new directions will be taken but Jian was ALWAYS one of my favourite places for the cute animals in SL! - and Two, the Ice Cream attracted a fairy who was desperate for something sweet and cold... I totally agree with her excitement... 

What is she wearing;
Hair Accessory: kotte - Face Pack in Sprinkles Icing Mess
Hair: Moon. Hair - Cupcake
Glasses: Suicidal Unborn!- Pastel Sunglasses
Wings: Doe - Dragon Pixie Wings 01 in Rainbow Neon
Boa: Moon Amore - Melted Boa in KITSCH BOA (Available until August 30th at Collabor88)
Body Paint: Izzie's - Rainbow Powder Explosion & Ladybird - Rainbow Body Glitter
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Outfit: CUREMORE - Melty Love OUTFIT
Pose: [piXit] - Manaram, Pose 2
Topiary: Simply Shelby - Patriotic Ice Cream Topiary Set in Ice Cream Bar Flower Topiary White
Ice Cream Decor: (Lucas Lameth) - Ice-Cream, American Classic
Dog: JIAN - Sneaky Snacker in Ice Cream Pug
Melted Ice Creams: random.Matter - Ice Cream Bar in Melted Cones
Melted Ice Lolly: random.Matter - Ice Cream Bar in Melted CreamPop Strawberry
Plant Pot: vespertine - Large Potted Chrysanthemums (Flowers Derendered)
Table Top: KraftWork - Carolean Round Table 

A Dark Day at the Beach

Everyone and their aunty seemed to be flocking to the beach yesterday as it was supposedly the best place to see the Eclipse that happened last night... I should have gone, I should have tried to participate but I just felt like crap and while I was in my PJs I missed the event as the sun was hidden behind a building on our street... It's fine, for me I feel like the sun has already gone, and the Summer can quite frankly sod off now... I'm done with the heat... I cannot wait for the Brrrrr months! 
Still I realised that I haven't been to the beach this Summer, I haven't felt the sand between my toes and the cold waves rushing to meet me... So maybe I need to rectify that situation a little bit?! 

Apparently it's going to be another scorchingly hot day today and I'm REALLY not a fan of that... Like I said, roll on the Brrr months! Dark little Living Dead me, really isn't a fan of being too hot... I'd much rather be too cold and wrap up under a ton of blankets! The beach and I are just not really friends because of that LOL... 
It really is too fecking hot today, the beach will be the coolest place, least one can hope anyway!!! 

What is she wearing;
Hat: Mug - Beach Day Gacha Item in #6 Beach Hat Black
Hair: TRUTH & Wasabi - Beach Day in Redhead
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Sunglasses: Boutique #187 - Metal Frame Sunglasses
Necklace & Bracelets: Static - Morte Ornare
Black Top: Mug - Birdie Top in Black
White Top: Mug - Delilah Tank in White
Shorts: Mug - Delilah Shorts in Black
Bucket: Doe - My Gothic Beach Bucket in Dinosaurs
Pose: [piXit] - Pupa, Pose 3
Chair: CHEZ MOI - Maluma Beach Chair
Parasol: [Merak] - Parasol Stripe
Backdrop: K&S - // Lighthouse Backdrop 

Said It All

Yesterday was the day that my Mum was cremated... Yesterday was the day that everything felt so final... It's been a long month to get here, but yesterday was the day that she was finally able to be at rest... Soon she'll be back with us where she belongs and I KNOW I cannot wait to have her home again...

So while I'll be mourning in Private for now, I wanted to take a moment to send everyone a hug. Tell you all that, if you're still lucky enough to have your mum around and you love her even just a little, remember to give her a hug and tell her that...
To my mum, and I KNOW you won't read this, but I wanna say it anyway... You knew that SL was a big part of me, you didn't ever really understand it but when it took my life in the direction it did I'm sure you thought I was crazy... You accepted it was a part of me, and welcomed the parts of my life that it brought you, like your crazy Dutch son-in-law... That's why I've had to take a few moments just to let Rudh leave you a thank you, shed a tear for you and become my therapy as I heal through these difficult times... 
I love you mum, you were always my favourite person - just don't tell Dad I said so - and I will see you again every time I look at the clouds or smell the flowers or find that perfect shell on the beach... One last thing to share with you today, since it was one of your favourites... Take That have "Said It All" for and with you... 

What is she wearing;
Flowers: *Lode* - Cydonia Hair Accessory [Full pack]
Hair: TRUTH - Odyssey in Redhead
Skin: Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Eyes: Izzie's - Lua Eyes in Teary Eyes Green
Eye Make-Up: WarPaint - Regal Eyeshadow & Pearls, Worn With Izzie's - Smeared Mascara & Little Tears
Necklace & Earrings: (Yummy) - Moonveil Collection (Available until August 30th at Collabor88)
Top: miss chelsea - Sora Set in Tank
Pose: piXit - Melanie, Pose 1
Backdrop: Synnergy.Tavis - Petalgrave Garden {360} Backdrop

Wanna Fight? Bring It On!

Grief is such a terrible and weird thing for anyone to go through... They say there are 5 main phases, but honestly it feels more like you're on a sliding scale and can go backwards or forwards at any time... I feel like I'm taking two steps forwards and then four back, only to move another five forwards and three back... If I could just work through the stages without any of this back and forth, that might be good for me right now... 
At the moment I'd say I'm definitely feeling angry about things... It's time to vent again... Please bear with me... 

When you lose anyone it doesn't matter who or how, even discovering someone you barely knew has passed can be a strange feeling of grief but, and maybe this will sound weird, I am angry about a few things and I guess the guilt of being mad at them isn't helping me heal... 
We've known that mum was sick since November, that's true... My parents decided that it was better for us to NOT know how bad things were so that we'd continue with our crazy busy lives as normal. I don't hate them for their choice, but mentally I had less than a month to prepare and yes I KNOW there'd never be enough time to get used to the idea that someone you're very close to is terminally ill, but it might have helped a little now if I'd known earlier?! Maybe?! 
Also, and this may sound even weirder... My grandmother - Mum's Mum - has been sick with demensia, unable to get out of bed, and wishing that she would be able to just sleep and not wake up for almost 2 years now... She's 94... WHY DID MUM HAVE TO GO FIRST?! I love my Grandma, I've been mentally preparing to have to say goodbye for a long time, and she out-lived my mum... Why couldn't mum have done what her mum did and live to be as old as the dinosaurs?! 
Perhaps it's weird to think like that, and I promise it's not the most forefront thoughts in my mind, but it's there... It's hurting and I NEEDED to release... Some day I will get back to blogging properly when I feel up to it, following the schedule I set and managing targets but right now... Anyone wanna fight me?

What is she wearing;
Hair: Wasabi - Sunkissed TSS Ed. Hair in Absolute Pack
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Choker: Kibitz - Felicia's Thick Choker in Blank
Jacket: Gabriel - One-shoulder Riders Jacket in Black
Glove: PSYCHO:Byts - Avril Arm Warmers
Dress: Psycho Barbie - Fire Starter
Pose & Prop: [piXit] - Punk Much, Pose 5
Garbage: UrBaN SpIrIt - Garbage Day Items
Backdrop: PALETO.Backdrop - WD-5 

Bonnie Chaos at Midnight

I'm at that stage now, where I don't know what to do but I don't really want to do anything... Yes it is apparently just me going through the grieving process but right now I feel somewhat useless and nothing I seem to try is working... I can't get into reading, knitting, decorating in RL or SL, and blogging therapy seems to be a non-starter too... There are so many fun things I could be doing... What am I doing? Doom-scrolling and staring into space... Everything I try seems to be going wrong!!

I NEED to find a way to turn my brain off, to stop myself from wallowing and yes, allow myself to grieve but allow myself to find strength and start finding my "normal" again... I'm dreading it!
Everything seems to be going wrong or turning to chaos and I'm NOT going to let myself drown in that... Think of the chaos that some people go through, real or imagined and things don't look so bad, I guess... 
I NEED a RL distraction for a bit... Something Dark, Mysterious and set in a Midnight Order perhaps... Something with gangsters and molls, something twisted and chaotic... 

What is she wearing;
Hat: Magika - Abigail Hair Hat
Hair: About Love - Sultry Hairstyle
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Jacket: [VOZ] - Umbrae Set in Coat (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Corset Top: SOJOUR - Luize Corset (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Lace Skirt: Stories&Co - Sherry Skirt in Cream&Black Lace
Pose & Prop: [PiXit] - Juliette, Pose F5
Car Decor: Dirty Rat - The Botched Job
Falling Money: [Bad Unicorn] - The Heat Gacha in Falling Cash
Gun Case: /MURDER\ - Commie Tommy
Backdrop: PALETO.Backdrop - Decatur Street 

The Queen Shall Rise

At the moment I KNOW that everything seems to sound like I am not coping, I am hanging on the edge of a break down and I am done with life in general... I am sorry if it seems that way and that I'm worrying anyone. Things are just really difficult at the moment, but I HOPE that soon I am back on track and able to start enjoying life again... It's just everything still seems so bleak and I HATE not being able to pick up the phone and speak to mum... 
The Queen of the family has fallen... I'm just not sure how long it will take for her eldest to be able to step up and assume her role... 

You never think that it's going to happen... I mean I'm not stupid I KNEW it would happen one day, but her mother is 94, alive and kicking... I thought I had at least another 20 years of nonsense with her yet... Still, sometimes the Princess has to step up, stand in the shoes of the Queens before her and guide her life in it's own direction... I'm just hoping she's going to be like the Jedi in Star Wars... Always there, always feeling her "Force"... 
So the battle may be over but the uphill climb has now begun... The mourning period is diminishing, and wearing black is less of a done thing. The crown must be adjusted and worn with pride... I don't know if I'm ready, but the Midnight Order of things demands a Queen shall rise... 

What is she wearing;
Hair: About Love - Enigmatic Hairstyle (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Crown: UNA - Ruise Crown in Gold (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Circlet: random.Matter- Guila Set in Warm Tones
Skin: amara beauty - Freya in Ivory
Make-Up: Izzie's - Smeared Mascara & ARISE - Running Mascara (No Longer Available!)
Necklace: random.Matter - Gwyneira Collar in Warm Tones
Sleeves: Voluptas Virtualis - Exuvie.Arms (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Weapon: Opifex - Thorn (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Dress: [NOBEL CREATIONS] - Jasmine in SUNSET GOLD (Available until August 20th at Midnight Order)
Pose: [piXit] - Beatrice, Pose F5R
Armour: DRD - Mystic Bastion Item in Knight Decor
Backdrop: Synnergy.Tavis - Lavender & Lace - LIGHT {360} Backdrop