Saturday, November 30, 2019

Pictures of Mixed Emotions

I'm currently on a little bit of an emotional roller-coaster, and so as well as a pretty picture, this post may end up becoming one of my venting places - somewhere I can unleash my thoughts just as I would if this was my journal. I've always said that my blog is somewhat a diary for me, allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings, and acting as a little bit of a therapy at times. So if you're only interested in the pretties, that's fine, but the credits at the bottom are the details, if not please feel free to read my ramblings... 
This one is actually on the personal side, and more RL than I might normally share, but I have a need to ramble. Judge me if you will, but guidance and support is preferred, and if you have any suggestions you know how to find me! 
Now, you may have heard that I am currently visiting my family in RL... I LOVE being back home, I love being able to rest and recharge, not think about the general day to day things that make normal life so monotonous. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, my work, my addiction to SL, but being able to come back to the place I was born and raised allows me to feel a new fizz of happiness in my head. 
Yet there are things going on here, things that are beyond my control, and I feel powerless. Unhappiness amongst members of my close family. Unhappiness, stubbornness, and a distancing that seems to be pushing my once very close family apart... It brought me to tears because I am powerless to stop it, there seems to be nothing that I can do and even though me being here provides some light relief, the cracks seem to be expanding. 
I'm frustrated with my sister in the fact that she can still happily live at home with my parents, in some ways widening the cracks of the problems, but she's also keeping things together in other ways too. 
In addition to that, after seeing the decline in both my maternal grandparents, it adds to the powerlessness. Living so far away from the people that I love and care for most in the world, makes things seem so difficult. 
Being here has helped me relax, forget the stresses and homesickness of being an expat, and it's even given me moments of sparkling joy, yet I know that soon I will be leaving, heading back to my normality and I will be leaving with those doubts in my mind. The uncertainties that will cause me to think and over think, it's a daunting and scary set of thoughts. I am trying to focus on the positives of my visit home, but departing from it will be harder this time than usual and I'll admit I'm feeling more than a little apprehensive about doing so. How can I cling to these feelings of normality, when things are far from normal and a lot closer to the surface than they ever have been before? How can I go home acting like everything is normal? They always say that the future is bright, but right now my future - and the future of my family in particular - is anything but certain. I feel such a mess of emotions, hiding behind a mask of happiness... I'm happy, healthy and relaxed, but those terrible feelings of anxiety are bubbling below the surface, I must not let them boil over... I must just remember that, on this occasion, there is nothing I can do... 

What is she wearing;
Hair: DOUX - Danni Hairstyle in Basic Pack  
Skin: Glam Affair - Seya in Europa 2 
Glasses: AsteroidBox - Theia Glasses in Color Pack 
Tears: ARISE - Running Mascara 
Sweater: MUSU - Mouthy 
Pants: Zenith - Drop Down Garter Legging in Black 
Pose: Reve Obscura - Memories Bento Pose 
Backdrop: Paparazzi - Starlit Staircase 2 (Available for use at Backdrop City)

No comments:

Post a Comment